11.13.2008

My Apologies

Hey everybody (or anybody - is there anybody out there, and all that) Sorry about not posting in a while. I have been working on the novel, and just posted three more chapters. I'm a little more than a third of the way through, and if I can only avoid writer's block, I should be able to finish on time for NanoWriMo. Please do keep in mind that what I'm posting is quite unedited, so be kind (wife).

Thanks all for reading.

Cooking with Arsnic - Full fifth chapter

Chapter 5
Going Home
It got dark quickly. I had forgotten how hungry I get when I skip lunch. Fortunately, I found a box of raisins in my pocket. It was still a long night. Some thing to do a second coming for. I was sitting outside the window of a house of a woman whose husband did not care what she did, while she might or might not be hearing important military secrets from an Admiral with whom she might or might not actually be sleeping with, and might be spreading said secrets to the other men with whom she did or did not sleep. I had no trouble, however, believing that she might actually be sleeping with an Admiral. Of course, if it weren't for the fact that my boss and mentor was lollygagging around a boat, busy pretending to be dead for this strange assignment, I would probably delegate this watch to one of the kids. Of course, with my partner "dead", I couldn't exactly involve them in the case. Typical of Hartley, picking a route which creates more work for others, leaving less for himself. Slowly, the lights went out in the house, ending with what must be the servant's quarters. I check my watch, and it's nearing midnight. I'm powerfully hungry, and if anyone else owns the cars, they're staying for the night. Another thing which I find entirely believable. I am consistently surprised at how little people think their neighbors notice over a fence.
If Mrs. Miller's neighbors weren't busy ruining their own pleasant little lives, and that is admittedly likely, they could easily know not only that Mrs. Smith was very busy with other men, but exactly who those other men were, and how little Mr. Smith visited or cared. I once was involved in the case of a sweet little old lady who went into a nice little business for herself blackmail three sets of neighbors, after she, bored one afternoon, simply set out a lawn chair in her own back yard, and watched and listened. She grew addicted to watching and listening, then to the thrill of blackmail, and it was only when that had worn off that she realized just what a predicament she might be in, so she hired us to try to fix her legal problem. We did, by finding out what each house would take to secure the secret of our little old lady's blackmail, and then supplying it. I heard tell they all moved away fairly soon, and that the little old lady, struck deep with remorse, actually gave all the money back anyway. There were piles of it, but people have done stranger things.
Anyway, it was about time I got down out of that tree. Another day I might actually strike up a conversation with her neighbors, or, better yet, her friends. I wonder if the people who receive the gossip of Admirals are as likely to have friends who gossip as anyone else. Probably. It was a fairly and fortunately short walk to the nearest phone booth I could call a cab. I got my taxi, after a wait, got in the back, and was glad of the driver's silence. He drove me to my apartment building in his silent manner, asking me once which way was better. He obviously didn't go to my apartment building often, and seemed distressed to be entering my part of town. It was late enough, all the groceries, food stands, and various other places one might possibly eat were locked up and silent. Otherwise I would have had my intrepid cabbie stop off at the meanest looking one, go in for a quick bite, and come back out, probably to find him gone. Just as well, we went straight to my house, and I held my head as high as I could with thoughts of the pastrami I had stashed at my apartment from yesterday's lunch. It should still be good. That, day old french loaf, a tomato, cheese, a sprinkle of onion. I usually liked my pastrami only with mustard, but tonight I was in no mood to be simple. I wanted to stuff as many tastes into my mouth as it might fit.
I hobbled up the steps to my apartment, legs stiff from a night of waiting and watching, and found, to my surprise, my beautiful young lady, fallen asleep sitting next to my door. Tony, a neighbor poked his head out of his apartment.
"Hey Jimmy, you shouldn't keep her waiting so long."
"I know. Thanks for keeping an eye out."
"Anytime."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."

Tony was an odd man. I pondered waking the young lady, but decided my chivalry would be challenged either by carrying, or by waking, and it seemed the more gracious thing to do to carry her into the apartment. And so, tiredly bending, I did, picking her up, I felt huddled against her, a bag I did not expect. From it wafted the aromas of fresh cooked bread, and I could only believe that in some strange way, she had sensed my hunger, and come to fulfill it, arriving, sadly, far too soon - or at least at the wrong location. I carried her, while still she slept, into my small apartment. It was half one bedroom, half loft, and I laid her on a mostly empty couch, her head resting on a book or two, and some magazines. Thankfully, they were generally clean. As gently as possible, yet with firm determination, I removed the prize form her hands. It was still warm, huddled as it had been against her sleeping form. I could not wait, and bit straight into the loaf of bread, walking towards my small kitchen as I did. I was only a moment before she woke, turned, stretched, fell back asleep for a few moments, and woke again.
"Hi." She said, as if waking on my couch were completely normal.
"Hi." I said, as if it were not.
"See you found the bread."
"Thank you. I don't deserve you."
"That's right you don't. Leaving me waiting like that."
"Sorry. Had a watch."
"I know. I asked at the office. Maybe I can use this to buy some sympathy with Mrs. Tummley."
"Probably. Easiest way to get sympathy with her is to turn her against someone else. In this case, me."
"You going back out there tomorrow?"
"Fortunately, no. Tomorrow I have to case a few bars. Look into the Heartley murder."
"How are you doin' with that?"
"Kind of lonely, but okay."
"Yea, Mrs. Tummley seemed to take it really hard. McAven said you should take the corner office."
"I just might."
"A little heartless of you, the man still being warm."
"Yea, but it's a great view."
"Yea."
We were silent as I ate more of the loaf, and, cutting off some slices, loaded them with a variety of goods. She took one sandwich, and the only sounds, for a time, were the welcome sounds of the uncontrollable smacking of lips trying to navigate silently the sticky waters of good, fresh bread.
We finished, and still were silent, lethargic in our engorged state. All the blood in my body was rushing to my stomach to deal with the sudden influx of food. I knew I had to get to sleep soon, or I would be awake throughout the ordeal of my body screaming at me for so ignoring it. The pains and wearynesses of sitting in a tree for a whole day catch up quite quickly, but, if sleep can be had, the right sleep, before those pains take hold, one can easily avoid their worst manifestations. One look from me was all it took to convince us both that we had the same thought. Silently, she rose, and I walked her to the apartment she shared with three other girls, three buildings away. We walked largely in silence, and I kissed her on the cheek at the door. Our delighted innocence welled up, but you don’t want to hear about that. Suffice it to say, she went to bed, and I, alone, hobbled back to my apartment through the warm Los Angeles night. Once at my apartment, I went straight to bed, stopping only to strip myself of the day’s clothes, not stopping to put them away properly. My mother would be incensed, I knew. My mother could deal with it, and she never had to know.
The half-room I call my bedroom, with only a wall and no door separating it from the main room was not uncomfortable, taken up as it was, largely by a single bed. I buried myself under the unkempt covers, taking care always to make sure that I was positioned properly. I discovered even in my high school years that there were certain ways of sleeping which would stretch the body properly, helping it to recover from a day’s strenuous exercise, or from the long niggling the muscles receive from the stiff positions of a watch. I positioned myself properly in my bed, closed my eyes, and waited for sleep to come over me.
I waited for a long time, a thousand butterflies in my brain, each one trying to settle itself to sleep, but as each butterfly of thought settled, it turned up another, which, restless, would flap its orange wings of the mind, float, listless in image, sound, or concept across my brain, and hover into rest in a spot calculated to disturb one of the crowded companions of my brain. Every now and again, the floating butterflies would all come to rest, and I would, for a moment, skim across the surface of sleep, feeling the warmth of that glowing ocean call me and reach up from its depths, but, some butterfly would discover, at that moment, that it could not endure the snoring of its neighbor, or that it had not vacated its bowels before settling in, and the wings would stretch out, and the pattern would begin again. Somewhere deep in my stomach, a thunder of earthworms began to rumble, disturbing, now and again, the butterflies of my mind. I grew all too glad that the next day’s work would generally be in bars, which are only profitable for anyone after noon.
My first visits, of course, would be to those half-bars half-cafes so often frequented by military workers on their lunch break. Then there would be a hopefully quiet afternoon, followed by the loosened tongues of the bars around town to which the navy men might resort when they grew tired of their officer’s clubs, which was often enough. Finally, at who knows what time of morning, the butterflies themselves grew tired enough of their shifting that they entered into mutual pact no longer to disturb my slumbers, settled down, rose, bloodily slaughtered the single thought that dared rustle its wings, and tumbled back into sleep, to be shifted only by the strange and tectonic patterns of dream. I slept fitfully, secure in the knowledge that I had closed my blinds, and that the morning light would not intrude too early upon my slumbers.

Cooking with Arsenic - Full fourth chapter

Chapter 4
Climate
“Mister Miller?”
Despite appearances, John Smith was not as nervous as he seemed to be. He was more calm than the day before, and the fidgeting Miller interrelated as nervousness were part and partial to a excess of energy and conscience which, now that movement had finally occurred, had dug itself deep into the psyche of John Smith. Fingers twitching, legs shifting, and rapid eye movements were the symptoms of a man who had lived without adrenaline for so long that when it began to rush through his system for the first time, perhaps in years, it affected him in a way similar to a rich grande cup of espresso, downed by Mormon, forever previous, abstinent of caffeine.
“I want to assure you, your partner’s death had nothing to do with me or my friends. I do not even think it is attached to my case. I have considered it, and I do not think it is likely, furthermore, I hope it is not likely.”
“If you will forgive me.” Miller replied, “I think it is best, no matter what, to proceed with your case as if my boss’ death was directly related. After all, the cases Mr. Hartley usually took often had more to do with Hollywood heiresses than half town hit men. Hollywood heiresses, though they may hold quite a grudge, will rarely plot murder.”
“Surely, he’s made other enemies. Is it not possible, also, that his death was merely a mistake, just one of those things that happens in that part of town?”
“I didn’t say it’s not possible. I said it’s best if we proceed as if that were not the case. I think it’s best if you tell me everything you can, and then leave the rest to me.”
“I suppose I have no choice. I do feel badly for your partner. If I may offer my condolences.”
“Thank you.”
As they spoke, they entered Miller’s office. He pushed a stack of papers from one side of his desk to the other, then put his feet up on the edge of the desk, and lit a cigarette.
“Lucky Strikes?”
“What the doctor ordered.”
“May I?”
“Please.” Miller tossed the pack to him, and for a moment, they joined in one of the oldest conspiratorial traditions in mankind. The warm glow of the cigarettes released from them the glow of Mrs. Tummley’s glare, and gave strange, warm relief from the heat of the day. In hot climates, cigarettes can be strangely homeopathic medicines.
“So. First, what’s your real name?”
“My real name? John Smith.”
“Come on. Now’s not the time to pull my leg.”
“Would you like to see my identification?”
“Yes, actually.” Miller studied the document closely, wrinkling his eyebrows. “John Smith. What sort of parents did you have, that’s been a cliché since Sherlock Homes.”
“My parents did not expect me to be in the midst of a murder investigation, Mister Miller.”
“Really? They seemed to have planned it well enough – a real name everyone will think is an alias.”
“It was certainly partially that they were not raised American. Irony does not translate terribly well I find.”
“True enough. Where were they from?”
A long sigh. “America. But their parents came from Japan.”
“Japan?”
“Japan. This is part of why this so concerns me. My mother was born in America, raised by parents who spoke Japanese almost exclusively. She was raised to speak American. My father was of Scottish blood, adopted by first-generation Japanese parents, who also spoke little English. My father, not knowing his real name, at some point took the name Smith, and my parents desired me to have a name they considered American. I am a very patriotic man, and understand why my so-called people are now under suspicion, but I have no desire to come under suspicion myself.”
“You work as a lawyer?”
“Yes, how did you guess?”
“Not unexpected, along with an American name you were given an American schooling, and the most American of carriers. Being a lawyer gives you the longer lunch break to speak with me, without arousing suspicion, and explains why you have so easily put your ancestry out of the way of notice.”
John Smith checked his watch. “You are more perceptive than I first gave you credit for. I am a lawyer, specializing in business law.”
Miller imagined, for a moment, that he heard a mocking laugh from next door. McAven hated business lawyers.
“So, who is this Admiral?”
“I’m not sure. She just talks about big brass, and about military secrets. She tells me things, reports before they’ll come out.”
“Do you know how they met?”
“Mr. Miller, this may come as a shock to you, working in your business of broken homes and weeping, emotionally betrayed people, but I do not really care what my wife does.”
“For your information, that isn’t what I was asking. You might be surprised. My business is rarely involved with the passionate and betrayed. Usually, I’m called in at the end of a long marriage the couple both knew was over for some time; one side just needs some evidence to ratchet up their winnings in court. I have actually simultaneously represented both sides in divorce hearings.”
“I’m sorry. I tire of those who judge my position on marriage. I was, you see, rather forced.”
“Isn’t every man?”
“True enough.”
“I’m just looking for anything that can help us to understand what is happening, or to help me find the man your wife is… seeing.”
“You could just follow her.”
“That is certainly an option, but I vastly prefer not to, if someone else already is, the situation might very quickly become dangerous, and I think it’s quite dangerous enough as it is.”
“I suppose that is true. Unfortunately, I have no information, as my wife and I live very separate lives, exactly what we came to Los Angeles to have the ability to do.”
“Very well then, what’s your address?”
“24243 Sycamore. But that won’t help you much.”
“Why’s that?’
“My wife’s address is 1322 Canary.”
“The other end of town.”
“Correct.”
“You do live separate lives.”
“I did inform you of that before.”
“Not even keeping up appearances?”
“For whom would we do that?”
“Why stay married?”
“Two reasons, the first being taxes, the second, simply I think we both get some benefit from it. We both found, rather quickly in our marriage, that we were attracted to a certain sort of people who find their joy in thinking themselves home-wreckers, able to turn people away from their wives. There is an inexplicable number of men and ladies willing to throw themselves at those they would not touch, were they not married.”
“The seal of approval of another woman is the greatest attracting factor?”
“Something like that, I do believe. Perhaps a penchant for drama, I don’t know. With those already married, our being married extends to them a feeling that we are living as dangerously as they. I will admit, to a man such as yourself, that this has, at times, proved financially helpful.”
“Blackmail.”
“Only from those who could afford it. I’m sure you understand. We actually help each other sometimes, she will create drama at times when I feel my relationship needs it, or she will help me blackmail to prove I have nothing to loose. All in all, it’s a wonderful marriage, despite appearances.”
“Sounds like it. You aren’t nervous are you?”
“Yesterday? Yesterday I thought I would soon have the immigration bureau breathing down my neck. Today, I know it’s something much larger, and I, sir, prefer prison to paperwork.”
“Very well. I guess I’ll follow your wife.”
“Ironic, you following the wife of a man who couldn’t care less.”
“I told you, it’s what I do. Any idea when I should watch her?”
“Did it sound like I kept track? Do what you do.”
With that, John Smith left.
Jim Miller muttered, and his stomach followed suit. He had been leaning against the desk for the entirety of his interview. He threw himself into his chair, and put his feet up on the desk. Leaning back, he closed his eyes, and ran his hands across his face. He took one three second glance out of his window, swung his feet back down off of his desk, and left the room. As he passed Mrs. Tummley on the way out, he spoke:
“Mrs. Tummley. I will be out for the rest of the day on a trail.”
“Thank you Mr. Miller.” Though Mrs. Tummley disliked rudeness, she did appreciate a businesslike, hardworking attitude. She liked to see them busy, and it was often jested that she was more a slave-driver than Mr. Hartley. The jest was funny because it was an understatement. Jim Miller caught a quick “Very good, sir,” Emanating from her battleship of a desk before he was out the door.
Miller after taking the stairs as quickly as gravity and agility would let him, he paused, and peered out of the doorway, looking for John Smith. John Smith, apparently, had been eager to depart, and had disappeared entirely. After making sure of this, Miller stepped into the street, and, after some watching, managed to flag down a taxi.
“1333 Canary.”
“Right.”
In the taxi, Miller thought of his two trips to New York – taxis there were places of talk and chatter, only occasionally struck by silence, in rare moments when passengers and driver were both quiet. Here in Los Angeles, taxi rides were silent affairs, even the cars more silent than in New York, and the cacophony of horns, motors, and screeching tires. He rode silent through the streets, pondering the movement, and the long, low buildings. After some time, the taxi turned into the residential area, and long low businesses gave way to the long, low houses that form the backbone of the Californian rich life. Canary street was a brief side street, with no number 1333. The cab driver seemed unnaturally perturbed when he was told to stop in a cul-de-sac and just let his passenger out. He took his pay, however, and left. Miller walked back part way back to the gate for 2311. The neighborhood here existed almost completely of gates, the houses being set far enough back from the road that roofs alone were visible. Around 2315, Miller slipped into a hedgerow, and swung himself easily over a fence. He tried to spend as little time as possible in either breaking and entering or trespassing, but the police tended to look with a blind eye toward private investigators with good records who committed minor crimes while doing their job. The police, so long as their more important and public cases were not interfered with, tended to see private investigators as doing work they would prefer not do themselves. Those who extended no such grace were the sort that could often be bribed.
That was trouble Miller would rather not go to, and he was glad to see neither cars in front of 2315, nor any lights on inside. Silently, and staying toward cover, watching the house carefully despite its apparent emptiness. The next yard was occupied by a dog, yet Miller quickly and easily navigated it through trees and fences, keeping well out of the dog’s reach.
Miller, crossing the final yard, found a perch in a tree near the gate. Best of all, he was technically on public property, the tree extending over the sidewalk, and could drop if escape or pursuit was necessary. He so ensconced himself in the brush and bushiness of the tree, it was, after all, a pine, that he could not be seen from nearly any angle. There, he waited, nearly motionless, and without result, for the rest of the afternoon.
There were three cars outside of the house, and Miller could easily believe that all, or none, of them actually belonged to Mrs. Smith. They were each of a certain sort - a rich sort, a sporting sort, yet slightly antiquated. They could have been all of the sort one person might choose, or all of the sort one person's friends would choose, were that person particularly limited in friends. In any case, Miller took all their license plates down, and used the idle moments to memorize license plate numbers and descriptions, and plan routes up and into the house. By the time darkness had fallen, he had worked out fourteen ways he could most likely get into the house, including a daring chimney entrance. Chimney entrances are always problematic, and generally unnecessary, as people who might lock upper windows rarely realize how easy it is for one with practice to climb a house.

Cooking with Arsenic - full third chapter

Chapter 3
Movement
I know that there is only one thing I should be focusing on now. I know that. All the possible problems that could arise from the Second Coming as a tactic come down to this – it should not be a long term tactic. I twist one lip upward briefly as my college encounters with existentialism come back to me. Isn’t this the problem with Christianity? It executes a second-coming maneuver, but now the family is asking where he is, the archaeologists are checking the death certificate. Were I executing the second coming, it would be something done at the end, not at the beginning. Yet here we are. God created the world. His son died. What now?
Simultaneously, I can see the sense in executing the second coming at the beginning of maneuvers. The disadvantages of the early second coming also operate as advantages – now is the time of most uncertainty. The movement was just too quick – too quick for me, but too quick for anyone else too. Mr. Hartley has placed the opponents into positions of greater uncertainty before. I just need to move. The second coming is meant to draw out information. Of course, it can backfire – people can go into hiding, but as Mr. Hartley pointed out to me before, when people hear of a killing, they go into hiding sloppily, quickly, and this, too, reveals information. So, here’s the question. Given the information we have now, what is the best course of action? This is the primary principle of the private investigator. Probably the primary principle of anyone. I envy, momentarily, the professors I knew at college. They puttered about, gathering information, and had all the time in the world to do so – and if their results were contradicted, no problem, just publish a paper on what an interesting scientific state that put them in, then move on. That worked well for them, but it would never work for me. In most cases, that would mean no pay. In this case, it could mean someone would die – possibly even many people, many young soldiers. As I am unable to go to war, should I feel responsibility towards them? How best to discharge responsibility? No doubt about it. I was caught, with too little information.
There is a simple solution, however, a strangely simple solution. In this case, what would people expect me to do? As I cannot myself decide what I should be doing, the best course of action is to do whatever people would expect of a young private investigator whose elder partner has just been killed. And so, that is what I will do. There are two things that can be done in that case – go to the office, and try to direct an investigation from there, hoping that yesterday’s John Smith will come in on hands and knees, insisting he had nothing to do with Hartley’s death. Of course, that is not what I would do. I must live as if Hartley died. Eat less. Eat more? Perhaps alternate. More importantly, go straight down Apple Street. Look at the place he was “killed” see if I can find John Smith. See if I can find his wife. Apparently, she has a fairly loose tongue.
And so, I walk towards Apple Street, hands alternating between being in my pockets, and hanging by my sides. I keep my head up. Eyes searching the street for any furtive glances. Sometime after the Apple street nonsense I’ll go visit a few bars. Tongues are loosened there. I’ll go to the seaside bars where sailors, from ensign to Admiral, fall off their ships and do a sea-leg crawl to the closest notorious establishment. Two movements, I already feel better. The streets are bustling now, everyone returning to work. I reach the crossroads with Apple. There is a strange four-way balance here, one quarter of the men wear suits and ties, and I look among them especially for yesterday’s visitor. If I am to catch him it would be best to see him before he sees me – but simultaneously, I watch for sudden movements, of the sort that might indicate him seeing me. Another quarter are the denim and coveralls crowd. Many of them are not in their denims, but it is clear their slacks, shirts, and sometimes suits have not been worn for as much of the day. They are scattered, heading back to the demanding whistles of various labor jobs. Scattered, usually among them, are farmers from North, South, East and West, in the city to sell their various produce, their animals, and their fruits. They are generally still in denim. The last contingent is military, and it, if any, holds a slight majority. It has its own variation, the majority the white and navy town-wear of sailors too soon off the boat to change, or too proud of their military standing to consider it. There are scattered among them the green of the army, and the darker navy hues of the air force as well, in increasingly smaller numbers. I turn onto Apple Street, hoping the location will lend me some insight into the nature of our current investigation.
As I walk down Apple, the bars disappear, and so do the soldiers. I know one thing about Mr. Smith. He knows his location. It’s a more downtrodden area, in which there is not the emptiness of the true ghetto, but still, there are not the attractions here to draw the soldiering clan. That is a few blocks up, where these men send their daughters, when they are old enough, and their sons, if they are handy enough with a bottle, a chef’s knife, or, if they are lucky enough, a microphone. Here, there is training for all these professions, training which will never transition into actual labor. There are butcher’s shops for the kids with chef knives, small shops in which the underage and ugly daughters are waitresses, bars only the local visit, and songs sung in Spanish. Perhaps my friend Mr. Smith was not as smart as I thought. He had no Spanish blood that I could discern, if anything, his vaguely oriental looks would earn him, here, more hatred and animosity than I was subject to, though I absorbed the heat of unwelcome glares with practiced ease. I have, after all, had plenty of practice. There were no doughnut shops here, where Hartley preferred to fall, whether that be to add the touch of the local cops, or as an underlying comment on the fat he saw as replacing his beloved bars. So, where would He have fallen? Not in front of one of the local saloons. A man falling there would attract no attention at all. It was unlikely that even the police had a distinct location on his so-called demise. The few ambulances that flit as quickly as possible through this section of town do not keep distinct records, and even if they did, location is difficult to track in a slum – things are always being moved by someone. Some years ago, I read an article about new street signs in one of these neighborhoods. They had been stolen and moved around so quickly that more than one tourist found themselves quickly lost, even in danger, and many of the signs became no more than private decoration. Tourists knew a street without signs was not a street on which they should travel.
The heat began to become oppressive; walking mid-day in Los Angeles is hardly recommendable, even in the dead of winter. I took off my coat, walking with it slung over one shoulder. Even this slight step from the norm more deeply ingratiated me with the populace, my alien presence softened by some casual movements I had picked up, and by the presence of remnants of the Irish in the slums. If certain private eyes wandered into this part of the city, they might be robbed, even killed, marked as under-cover policemen, the slum’s juiciest target. The undercover policeman carries large amounts of cash for cease of movement, and will rarely report a robbery, for fear of making obvious their delicate position. Fortunately for me, one of McAven, Hartley, and Miller’s advantages lay in the work it has done on both sides of the so-called law. Many people, on both sides of this mad game of cops and robbers, forget that the police are not the law, but rather the judges, juries, and codes of the state and nation in which they live, and, in order to keep the law, it is sometimes – sometimes, necessary to go behind the back of those who think of themselves as the law.
This brief and egoistical reverie of democracy brought me to a point likely to be that chosen by Hartley. It fulfilled all of my inclinations, it was near the end of Apple Street, which dove off an uncompleted bridge over some minor runoff, and behind it spread out the brown and khaki that the west and southern United States chose as a replacement for nature. Here the drama could be fulfilled by the audience – Mr. Smith and his partner, hiding at the end of Apple Street, could see clearly Hartley go down. After a brief search, I found upon the ground a dark red splotch on the concrete that confirmed my suspicions. It is in front of a closed vegetable stand, next to a one way side street only too convenient for the Ambulance.
A scraping noise interrupts my reverie. There’s an old Irishman, in vest and trousers, dragging a chair toward the middle of the street. Before this, the street was abandoned, and the man, with a few white scraps of chin-hair worming and twisting above and below his lips, drags the chair directly to the middle of the street, sits on it, and regards me with gray eyes. I suppose this close to the ragged, unfinished end of Apple Street, it almost makes sense. He could have been sitting there last night. He could sit there every day, as his mad fancy takes him. He’s looking around, as if he doesn’t see me, then he looks again bullet-straight at me. He smiles. He leans on the rugged, dark-stained cane he holds in his hands, and smiles.
“Quite a pickle.” He says, his voice thick with accent.
“Eh?”
“A pickle. Quite a pickle. You know, stored in brine. Sour. Plump with the salt-sea juices.” His lips slurp, sucking down an imaginary slice of pickle. “In this case, metaphorical, of course. He fell as if shot from behind.”
The man’s arms and chest, visible round the edges of the vest, lead me to believe he would know how a man looks when shot from many directions. I’d trust him more if Hartley were “killed” by knife.
“How do you know what I’m looking for?”
“Don’t ruin the mystery, man.” He says. “Though I suppose that’s what you private detectives are for, isn’t it now? To give you a hint, no stranger stops in the middle of this neighborhood to study the sidewalk. No one round here drops diamond rings or hundred dollar bills, and I know everyone around here. Does that make it clear enough for you, or will you have to investigate for yourself?”
“Did you see him fall?”
“Did I see him fall? I was sitting right here, wasn’t I?”
“Were you?”
“I was, I’ll have you know. Don’t disrespect me.”
“I didn’t mean any disrespect.”
He laughed. I paused. This was the strangest encounter I’d had in a while. I was saddened to find myself unprepared for it.
“Now, is there anything else you’d be wanting to know, or can I go back to smoking my pipe?”
“Do you know a John Smith?”
“John Smith, I know a lot of John Smiths. You don’t have time to meet all the John Smiths I know. John Smiths, and John Does, that’s the only people I know.”
“Anyone else in this neighborhood see anything?”
“No one in this neighborhood sees nothing. I’m the only one sees anything. I am the surrogate eyes of the world. They pluck them out, give them to me.”
The man was mad, but metaphorical. I had no doubt that the people around here would have nothing to say – besides that the existence of some secret government killer was pure myth, invented by the oh-so-professional private eyes. Just one more question, for my amusement, and to lend some quantum of solace and plain explanation to this mad conversation.
“You come to Hollywood to act then?”
“Me? I was born acting. I’ll give you to know, true actors never appear on screen, not when they’re born acting. They that are born acting want to see. They that have to learn want to be seen.”
“Wise words.”
“Hidden thoughts. Go with God.” And, as if I had spoken a password, effective, though unknown to me, he was gone. He stuck a pipe in his mouth, and lit the pipe, and proceeded to blow smoke out through his nose, his lips shut tight like those of a determined child. His arms were crossed. I know our conversation was over, and I felt like he would not speak again for that whole day. This was enough, I supposed, any tail must have tired of this conversation by now, and would understand if I pursued the neighborhood no farther. Any nearby rooftop or room could house the marks of the killer’s rifle, it was pointless to search those.
Quietly, I turned, and began to walk back down Apple street, my coat still thrown over my shoulder. Magically, the tone of the whole street had changed, and I was met with something like acceptance by the people as I walked by, as if my conversation with the mad Irishman had somehow washed from me the stench of the rich city boy I was. No doubt that stench was deep inside me, and would soon exude from my skin again. I rejoined the four way flow of man at the intersection, since deeply quieted. The lunch hour was not yet over, but a few early returners to their desks were walking my way, down towards the docks, and toward my office, and the subtle but infective aromas of the white collar world. A few taxis passed me by, and I could not notice how old and rare the taxi drivers seemed to be, since the disappearance of so many young men to war. Perhaps they would come back, and fill those taxis again soon. I wanted to walk, to clear my mind, to focus on what to do next. A few bars? I needed to find out more about this Admiral. There was no alternative. I would have to find John Smith. I thought his first name was John, the Smith a definite forgery – perhaps intentional to cover up the unrehearsed dropping of his first name. I did not put my jacket back on until I had walked all the way up the stairs of the building, enduring the looks of prim secretaries, lunching at their desks with the doors wide open, and looking out at the stairs. In front of my office, I breathed deep, and dove back into the wooly warmth. Stepping through the door, I met my favorite unabashed glare.
“There’s a mister Smith to see you.” Mrs. Tummley said. She was always more cranky when Mr. Hartley was gone. I turned towards the seats which waited to one side, and there, sitting, looking even more nervous than yesterday, was John Smith.

11.06.2008

Cooking with Arsenic: Chapter Two: The Second Coming

Chapter 2

The Second Coming

The second coming was a trick Hartley had worked out during his career as a solo investigator. The operation of the second coming could be extremely complex, fortunately, Hartley was unmarried, and relatively unknown, Hollywood actors rarely paying their respects to private investigators. At 9:00 that night, Hartley would be seen leaving a party in a high-rent part of Hollywood. The primary witness of this would be the party’s private bartender, who would mark the sudden decline in the disappearance of Gin.

At 9:15, on his way to Apple street, the respected Mr. Hartley, private investigator, would drop to the ground, blood flowing out of his body. Fortunately, there would be an ambulance nearby, and no one would notice the relative youth of the ambulance’s operators. The right high school students are both indistinguishable from the college-aged ambulance drivers of the day, and extraordinarily discreet. Mr. Hartley would be delivered directly to a police station, and directly to the head of that particular police morgue and autopsy, Reginald Emminson, a first-generation American, from England, sent over just before the first word war. He had an unquestionably morbid sense of humor, and was only too happy to send a friend’s paperwork in all the necessary directions. This caused a murder investigation in the department, which was usually handed to a relatively inexperienced, and notably lazy investigator. The hospital received “body received” paperwork, which listed the doctor who declared Hartley dead as an indistinguishable name, halfway between two of the more absentee and forgetful doctors at the given hospital of choice. Of course, it need not be the same hospital every time.

Hartley had died several times any hullaballoo. The obituaries page in most newspapers is run as a stopping point between copy boy and other assignment, and in some papers is run as a punishment post more than anything. As such, and given the relatively nomadic nature of journalists, chances that anyone would notice two identical obituaries were close to zero. Given the nature of the post, most newspapers were more than happy to accept the family and friend’s offers in obituaries. This, Mrs. Tummley did in the morning, from letters already prepared, ranging from the suspiciously polite, to the mind-numbingly praise-filled.

According to this plan, Jim Miller left the office at 9:30 the morning after the supposed murder, and traveled down to the police station, where he was met by Reginald Emminson. Reginald saw it as a necessity that the role be played up somewhat. As anyone who knew McAven, Hartley and Miller would know, Jim Miller had been close to the esteemed Mr. Hartley since his childhood. When Miller arrived at the morgue, he was met with a brief and sufficiently awkward hug, entirely outside the character of the still very English Reginald Emminson. He was then lead into the silence and solitude of the police morgue. The solitude of the morgue is a wholly strange solitude, a strangeness Emminson loved, and to which Miller had never entirely adjusted. In the morgues of the late twenty first century, bodies are will be stored in cabinets, ensuring that any friends or family to visit the morgue will see only a single body. This, however, offers no consolation to Jim Miller, who must wander among the cracked marble slabs, half-sheeted white. In a police morgue work of a more immediate nature than that of the undertaker is constantly underway. In this old sort of morgue, bodies are constantly in view. The effect is like that of entering a room filled with sleeping people – a brightly lit room filled with the sleeping. These eyes, however, have often lolled or been pushed open, despite the absence of any comprehensible consciousness. The faces are white, and the absence of breathing is marked. Surely it is in morgues where men first dreamed of vampires and zombies – the undead, who, though they appear to be living, still leave anyone in contact with them with the horrible taint of the simacrula of life that is the carcass.

“Lost another partner, eh Jim?” Reginald says. He speaks partly through his nose, an oddity for morticians, whose sense of smell sometimes even deteriorates from being so often half abused, half neglected.

“Yea. They drop like flies.”

“It’s a risky business.”

McAven, Hartley, and Miller had lost people before- though never partners. More often than not, those killed in the strange non-duty of private investigation had been those with a more than tasteful connection to the crime, one deeper than the investigation went, only on the payroll because Hartley knew the value of information. Sometimes, in the strange human cannibalism of finances and lusts, they were killed by their families. Though the most uncouth of tribes will shy away from family meat, the family of many men will gladly devour his finances, properties, and ambitions, for the right end, and should they think themselves invisible to the law.

Those who died in the course of investigation were always offered a pleasant funeral by McAven, Hartley, and Miller. Often, their families could not or would not pay for the funeral. They were not, however, offered the use of Mr. Hartley’s yacht, where he planned to spending the next week or two finishing a number of books, and several bottles of Gin, and fishing. If duty compelled him, he may even read up on a case or two, or track the doings of Hollywood superstars, his most lucrative perspective clients. Now and again, his sail might wink above the horizon of some actor’s seaside castle, long-range telescope and camera trained upon the suspicious beds. This was dangerous - both because these seaside castles can be surprisingly hard to tell apart, and because Mr. Hartley would have no way of knowing how the investigation progressed. In times of peace, information could be snuck to the ship through Morse code on little-used channels. In full-blown war in the Pacific, the Navy watched every channel, and such activities were foolhardy at best, illegal at worst.

Mr. Hartley’s body was one of the few covered with a sheet, and when Miller lifted it, it was to his surprise that he saw the slightly pale face of Mr. Hartley.

“Fool” he muttered. He thought he saw the crack of a grin, which confirmed his suspicions. Some people took necessary risks, and Mr. Hartley was not one of them. Necessary risks were not so much taken as ignored in pursuit of the more interesting risks. Miller laid the sheet back down over the dear deceased. The white cloth felt like the weight of sailcloth more than a bedsheet. Miller wondered if this was Emminson’s precaution against the detection of breathing. He doubted the Englishman had the wisdom, foresight, or sense of diligence to think of it. He concluded it was best just to think of it as a normal sheet, and noted to himself not to imagine the sheets in a morgue rustling in the wind anymore, at least, not in anything short of a hurricane. Of course, as soon as he identified the body, it would be zipped into a bag, a new addition, and wheeled out, theoretically to be cooled and preserved during the investigation, but in fact, it would be “accidentally” delivered to the docks, where Mr. Hartley would leave port, an assumed name on the shipping register.

“That’s him.” Miller muttered, smelling gin still on Hartley’s breath.

There were plans in effect, in case something unexpected took place. If the detective on the case showed an unnatural amount of interest in seeing the body (usually, a coroner’s report would suffice) Emminson would be more than happy to get in a row with one of the younger attendants, one who was failing anyway, and, if necessary, produce a false corpse. To especially bar this necessity, the detective on the case would be informed that a private investigator, one Mr. Miller, was already investigating the murder, and had inspected the body, and would be more than happy to share any further information he uncovered. Jim Miller wondered if it wouldn’t be wise to feed a couple of useless and moronic tidbits through Mrs. Tummley – exactly the sort of drivel a cynical policeman would expect to come from a young private investigator with no experience in murder cases, but would give the policeman one more excuse to visit the donut shop. Still, the thought of breath rustling the sheets brought again to mind the sheer audacity of such a plan of fake death, the audacity of many of Hartley’s plans. Often, of course, the audacity was a calculated one. Hollywood stars and celebrities are rather fond of both drama and audacity, the businessmen that run the celebrity sideshow even more so, and elaborate plots, and tricky capers attracted high-paying business, extra bonuses, and often, the sympathy and consequent confession of the guilty party. Often, the stars who were on the receiving end of the trick or plot, even if it was uncovered before being fully successful, would confess. A memory of Mr. Hartley, purely vocal, hummed in Miller’s mind. “Stars, celebrities, and the businessmen who manage them.” Hartley once said, between sips of a Gin Rickey, “Are inherently dramatic, and gluttonous for attention. When they feel they’ve been upstaged, they will, almost always, try to return the attention to them by dramatic means, and there is nothing so dramatic as a confession, and the most dramatic confession, the most final confession, is confession of the truth. In this twisted town, people will likely go to jail for the truth, but will only tell the truth for the sake of drama.” As much as Miller did doubt the effectiveness of this amateur psychology, he had seen it work. He was worried about this case, however. He wondered if Hartley recognized the strange commentary he was making on the military by treating them as similar to Hollywood stars. He wondered if too much time dealing with those twisted people in the Hollywood hills had finally twisted Mr. Hartley. Most of all, he wondered if there were people, other people, who would mess it all up. He didn’t know whether or not Hartley’s parents were alive. Brothers, sisters, cousins, they were all possible, and anyone who would be interested in Hartley’s death was a potential danger.

All these things on his mind, Jim began his long trek back to the office. Conveniently, his way back to the office, he met a short redhead with whom he shared a short and early lunch. She did not intrude upon his quiet, but rather danced conversationally around the edges of his life, tying off frayed strands on the edges of his spirit.

11.05.2008

Ron Paul? A modern Triptych: Creative mind seeks skilled hands.

I wish I had skilled artist friends with few ideas - because I have a swarm of ideas but very unskilled hands. Somehow, of course, I suspect that this is a widespread problem - everyone has ideas. Ideas are easy. Skill is difficult. At least, that's the way it seems to me. Anyway, here's my idea for a representation of what a lot of people are feeling after the election. If anyone with skilled hands wants to paint it, put it on deviantart or anything like that, please do, just give me credit. Call it a community work.

A triptych is a three-panel painting, by the way, and is usually found in ancient churches, often behind or in front of the altar.

The first (left) panel would be labeled "Democrat" and would feature a young man, a very city-styled young man, visiting his family. He sits on a couch toward the background of the picture, and has an ironic look of pain and relief on his face. In the foreground, but only half-in-focus are either his family, or the remains of their campaign. They are clearly Republican. It's unclear whether they know which way he voted. He's the sort that might have voted Republican under other circumstances.

The second (right) panel would be labeled "Republican" and would feature much the same irony - this time probably a middle-or-older-middle aged man, in a teacher's lounge or place of business, his co-workers obviously rejoicing over Obama's victory. He is very clearly a family man, and no fool or caricature, just a man who cares about certain things (like abortion) enough that he felt it necessary to vote for the Republican ticket. Perhaps there's a wedding ring on his finger. Perhaps he's clearly a military veteran. Perhaps he even holds his infant son or grandson. Something like that.

In the middle panel, a man of somewhat indecipherable age would hold over his head a sign saying "RON PAUL." There is a mixed look of hope and despair on his face, like that on the face of Charlie Chaplin at the end of City Lights. He's trying to hold on, and he's happy to be holding on to his passion, but he feels disappointed.

At least, that's the idea. Who knows.

Cooking with Arsenic - full first chapter

Cooking with Arsenic

Chapter 1
Port

From my office, I can see Los Angeles Harbor. It's not a corner office or anything. It's just high enough to be a pain to get into, and just low enough never to be mistaken for prestigious. It has one window that looks out over the Pacific Electric building, then out to the crooked beach of the San Pedro turning basin. My desk doesn't face my office door, like I want it to, because I like looking out at the ocean. The port is always busy these days. A few frigates, maybe even a destroyer are docked there, the less-important cousins of others under repair at Midway and Hawaii, bombed or no. I have my desk sidelong to the door.
Sometimes, in my more heroic moods, I like to think of some half-hearted crook busting open the door, screaming revenge, firing misguided shots through my window, while I crouched behind my impenetrable desk, waited for the shooting to subside, and then arrested the poor, misguided sap. Of course, it would never happen. They'd never get past Mrs. Tummley. She worked for the library for fifty four years, before they made her retire. She works here through equal measures of generosity and spite. Generosity for my associates and I, McAven, Hartley, and Miller, private investigators. I'm Miller. Mrs. Tummley's spite is reserved for anyone who tells her when she should retire.
Suddenly, my door bursts open, and through it, comes a sight as surprising, though not as shocking, as a revenge-bent, crook-toothed monster with a gun. Through my door walks a beautiful blond, almost six feet, five feet of which is all legs. She has two of them. They're each about two and half feet. Six feet of legs. Basic math. I can still feel the radiant heat of Mrs. Tummley's spite like an aura around her. Mrs. Tummley does not extend her generosity to blonds.
“What'cha thinkin?” She asks, interrupting my repose. She's chewing gum.
“Narrating my life.” I respond. I have to work on making it less obvious I'm thinking.
“Always said you'd best stop watching those movies.” She replies. Typical female attitude. “How's it coming?”
“Fine. I was just thinking about how a beautiful blond walked through my door, almost six feet tall.”
“Why do I have to be a six foot blond? You don't like the way I look?” The petite fiery redhead says, who is now luxuriating in one of the sadly bestained chairs which flotsam my office.
“I'm translating.” I reply, wincing at the extra stain of rivet-driver grease she's added to one of the less stained charis. “You have to be that way for the audience to understand how pretty you are.”
“I told you, you need to stop it with those movies. Used to be, people only thought they had an audience when they were on stage.”
“Not true.” I reply. She has abandoned her chair after a particularly bad creak, and re-positioned on my desk. She's trying to distract me. Crafty vixen. I carry on. “Since when were you so old, to be speaking of “back in the day?” Besides, you know very well that Chaucer and Shakespeare both were extremely audience-conscious, off stage as well as on. Homer probably was too, and Plato, well, obviously.”
“I'm three months older than you.” she replies. “And they weren't wasting the precious little time of their girl's lunch break.”
“True enough.” I reply. “Were would you like to go today?”
“Can't.” She says. “Have to get back, and I ate on the way here.”
“As always.” I say, feigning disappointment. I would be disappointed, don't get me wrong – it just happens too often for any real feeling. She remains unconvinced of my disappointment, and in a movement of the utmost aggression, kisses me squarely upon the nose before braving the spite of Mrs. Tummley, swinging herself, lithe out of my office. As I snatch at a last few glimpses of her through my glass door, a young man, sadly, of obviously foreign origin pushes through the door, and heads directly for my office. It has the discouraging characteristic of being closest to the door, and most visible as one enters. On his way, his ankle meets the ankle of Mrs. Tummley. He trips, and falls, very nearly smacking his head against my glass door. Thankfully, Mrs. Tummley's aim is better than that, and he misses. Her ankle will be fine. I have known for some time she does not approve, indeed, she retains her deepest, most horrifying spite for those who underestimate the power of the secretary.
The man, however, seems distracted enough not to care. He scrambles to his feet, his smooth-soled shoes clacking on the hardwood floor. He dives into my office, like the last man onto the lifeboat, and takes a moment to buoy himself by the door, his eyes scrambling momentarily for me, returning twice to the middle of the room, where my desk, it seems, ought to be. He blinks twice, his eyelids seeming to make a clack similar to his shoes. He does not seem truly at rest until I stand.
“Come in.” I say. “Have a seat.” I glance outside. Mrs. Tummley is glaring at me, now, hoping against hope I will eject this poor, bedraggled, and well-heeled (if not well-soled) individual, putting him back at her mercy.
“Mister McAven?” He asks.
“No, Mr. Miller.” I reply. He looks disappointed.
People seem to eternally have the wrong idea about this. Why is it that a company of private investigators is always thought to have the most senior member in full view of the door? What other company commits such heresy and foolishness? Besides this, Mr. McAven isn’t actually the longest-standing member of the company, that would be Mr. Hartley. Mr. Hartley started Hartley, private investigations, in 1917. He made his fame investigating and providing sound legal advice for liquor merchants, especially the smaller ones, and for investigating the divorces of Hollywood movie stars. Mr. Hartley was one of the first private investigators in Los Angeles, and one of the most trusted. That our sweaty friend sitting across from me did not know Mr. Harley ran the business indicated that his fine shoes were not bought with movie-cash. Mr. Hartley added Mr. McAven in 1937, when he began to see the great assistance an experienced lawyer could add to the investigative process. Mr. McAven had been especially impressive in the Roman Strauss affair. He retired shortly after that sordid affair. It was only two years later Mr. Hartley and Mr. McAven added Mrs. Tummley, when McAven and Hartley was becoming a liferaft for the retired but not tired.
During this time, Mr. Hartley had never underestimated the assistance of a young pair of legs, or arms, and had provided part and full time gainful employment to any number of young men, and for that matter, young women, which was how I found my first employment here. You see, McAven and Hartley, at the time, hired a young lady to do secretarial work, a young lady who held in her lips and long, long legs the hope of most of the junior and senior classes at my high school, along with the daydreams of more than a few of the freshmen and sophomore types. My working for Hartley was a way of impressing her. In the fire and passion of my love, I ended up impressing him more, working a number of jobs, some of which have something to do with my unfortunate juvenile record, others with my unexpected acceptance at Stanford. I returned to work for him all three summers of my college education, giving me the opportunity to regale the young and influential of Stanford my very own Dashiell Hammett stories, ever so slightly, well, translated. When I graduated, my graduation present from the one who could only be described as a secondary father figure was the offer of a full partnership, and the opportunity, should I so choose, to hire my very own young lackeys to do the heavy lifting. Mr. Hartley has taken the addition of another partner to mean that he can begin his own retirement, if only partially, though the advent of the war has attracted him again to our offices. He has been fascinated, as have we all by the special problems in investigation provided by the essentially gypsy class of military men, and the tight self-protecting organization of the military. Most of our business now comes from a variety of night-club owners and businessmen seeking various reparations for damages done by visiting military men, who seem to do as good a job trashing Los Angeles as they have ever done to the pacific islands.
Which brings us back to our poor sweating friend here. Interesting, he sits crooked. That, and his age, explain his being here rather than on some Asian island. Excuse the long description, I know it’s out of character, it probably won’t become important later, but it’s my life, I find it interesting, and I’m not old enough yet to be terse and cynical.
“May I see Mister Hartley?” he asks. His accent is of garden-variety school-taught. Not indigenous. Interesting.
“It’s possible, but it would require pleading with Misses Tummley.”
“Miss Tummley?”
I nod towards the reception area. Our friend turns several shades of pale, interesting to only but the most jaded of anthropologists. “Don’t worry.” I assure him, “I can help.”
I see his face recover, the white grimace easing into a tan dour. I know it’s my charm and respectability that help. I try to remind myself that charm and respectability don’t mean squat with a bullet between your ears and a drunk tax accountant – or wife – standing over your body, screaming about tariff law. More horrifyingly, charm doesn’t matter when faced by an IRS agent. It is a long-standing law of the universe that no one can charm an IRS agent. That is the whole basis of American government, and the reason they are the most feared men in the world.
“But.” I say, dramatically, “I would have to know how first. And a name might help as well.”
He stutters for a moment, then manages “John Smith.”
“Very well, Mr. Smith.” I say, giving no indication of incredulity, except the absence of any raised eyebrow. “How can I be of service?”
He ponders for a moment. Sits back. Sighs. Ponders. Lights a cigarette. Shakes it. Draws. I put my feet on the desk.
“You can…”
“Yes?”
“It would be of great help, if you – if Mister Hartley – could meet me, and a friend, at the end of Apple street, at 9:30 tonight.”
“He’ll want more details before he accepts an invitation.”
“A matter of national security.”
“What sort of matter?”
“Of some delicacy.”
“Matters of national security, in my experience, are rarely matters for delicacy.” What the hell do I know? I’ve never been involved in a matter of national security in my life, unless you count the governor’s affair, and that’s a different matter.
“I don’t think you are in any position to comment.”
“Well done. You called my bluff.” Best to just own up to it. “I still insist upon knowing.”
“My wife has several times gone to bed with a certain Admiral.” Hardly a matter of national security. But typical of a jealous husband. “Not that I mind, you understand. I can trust you to be discreet?”
“Of course.”
“And this Admiral, he has disclosed certain secrets.” Could this be on the level? “I am concerned such activities may continue, and may threaten the fiber of this nation. Loose lips, and all that, you understand.”
“Very much so. What would you like us to do about it?”
“You know the Navy.”
“Yes.”
“Then you know their, say, penchant for protecting their own?”
“All too well.”
“How much stronger do you think it would be, with an Admiral in the docket?”
“Yes.”
“Yes indeed. I must go now. Cannot be late back to work. Sir, I trust this message to you, I trust you to get it to Mister Hartley. Apple street. 9:30. Tonight. You understand the necessity of his involvement.”
“I’ll pass him the message.”
“Very well. I bid you good day.”
We shook hands. Very small hands he had. He managed a smile, and I once again felt the soothing glow of Mrs. Tummley’s spite as he exited the office. I took a minute to review the facts in my head, then exited my office as well. Mrs. Tummley’s glow combined in both spite and generous patronship. Spite for my friendliness to intruders, patronship for the obvious reasons.
“Misses Tummley, my favorite woman above thirty.”
“You have a lot of favorites under thirty.”
“True, but none so dependable and knowledgeable as yourself. Is the boss in?”
“He hates being called that.”
“I’m not calling him that. Not to his face at least. Is he in?”
“He is. What’s going on?”
“A matter of national security.”
“Ten years, and I still don’t learn never to ask.”
A pause too long, and I know I’m beaten, before the battle of wits has begun. I try anyway. “But if you didn’t ask, you’d miss out on all that gossip.”
Her victory dissolves the spite. She smiles.
“In any case, you can go in now.”
“Thanks.”
I head down the hallway towards Hartley’s office. On my right, an old oak door is cracked open, and I can see McAven bent over a tome the size of Belgium, in a comfortable chair. He could be sleeping, or reading, it’s hard to say. The same uncertainty had struck many a judge in court. McAven once told me that guilt is a great tool – a lesson well learned in private investigations. More than one unfriendly judge had fallen into guilt and then kindness after heartily reprimanding the old lawyer’s doze, only to find that he had “entered a state of repose so as to better focus upon your honor’s words.” Upon request, McAven could always repeat back the last several sentences of the proceedings. Whether this was simply an anomaly of his sleep, I still wonder. On my left, behind a closed door, is a conference room which becomes a partial office each afternoon for whatever part-time workers we employ. Sometimes, it’s a place the more bookish can come to study without being anti-social, and without the monotony and limited social options of the library. At the end of the hall is Hartley’s corner office. He offered it to McAven when McAven joined the company, but the elder man said the light and business out of the windows distracted from his reading – and probably from his sleeping as well. The door is cracked, but I knock anyway.
“Boss?” The door swings, silent and graceful, wider. Straight across from the door, he sits. A single, graying raised eyebrow reassures me that I’m still not really in trouble for calling him boss. It also tells me, and many people, that, though gray, he has not begun to droop with age. He is, as always, dressed impeccably. A suit of fine, light wool and mohair sheds the California sun, shimmering ever so slightly. Beneath it, a cotton vest with a subtle windowpane betrays a relaxed nature, at least, today. He is leaned back in his chair, reading some report submitted by one of our “junior partners.”
“What’s cracking, Jim?” He says, putting the report down.
“New case.”
“Sounds interesting from the commotion out there.”
“Might be. National security stuff, maybe another chance for you to show off just what idiots the Navy churns out and promptly aggrandizes.”
“Man thinks his wife is in bed with an Admiral, getting all sorts of secrets.”
“Did he have any proof?”
“Not that he mentioned. Most jealousies don’t come with delusions of grandeur.”
“It would seem self-contradictory. Did he seem jealous?”
“No, not particularly. He wants to meet you to talk it over, apparently, “He and a friend.” At the end of Apple street, tonight, 9:30.”
“Sounds dangerous.” This voice came from behind me. McAven had, among his overly well developed bag of lawyer tricks, the ability to creep silently, or to command attention by sound, entirely at will. He often used this ability to nearly hypnotize juries, sliding lithely over points not particularly helpful to his case, and pouncing upon the elements which the jury would later remember.
“Not particularly.” Hartley replied. “Actually, it sounds lovely. Your visitor, he was nervous?”
“As a…”
“Young man whose wit fails.” McAven supplied, unasked.
“But reticent?”
“Eh?”
“Of ungreased mouth.”
“Positively rusted shut.”
“Sounds like a good time for the second coming.”
“Haven’t we done that one a bit much? Besides, it’s it early for the second coming?” McAven was always the pessimist. His practice was based on it.
“Not at all. We’ve never used the second coming in anything attached to a military operation, and in this case, it’s probably best to strike first.”
“I still don’t trust it. I make it a habit to avoid teams that refuse to play on any field but their own.”
“Of course, but that’s exactly why the second coming exists. It exists because we don’t trust people. And I don’t think it’s too early, especially in matters of national security. In any case, it’s what I plan to do.”
We both knew better than to argue.

11.03.2008

NanoWriMo - My Progress So Far

It's National Novel Writing Month, and what follows is my first attempt. I'm progressing fairly nicely, but worried about my ability to keep the volume up. I've got an odd mashup of satire, self-awareness and humor going into an essentially noir novel, so it's turning out rather strangely. Not sure how that combination will turn out. I'd be interested in any comments.


Cooking with Arsenic

Chapter 1

Port

From my office, I can see Los Angeles Harbor. It's not a corner office or anything. It's just high enough to be a pain to get into, and just low enough never to be mistaken for prestigious. It has one window that looks out over the Pacific Electric building, then out to the crooked beach of the San Pedro turning basin. My desk doesn't face my office door, like I want it to, because I like looking out at the ocean. The port is always busy these days. A few frigates, maybe even a destroyer are docked there, the less-important cousins of others under repair at Midway and Hawaii, bombed or no. I have my desk sidelong to the door.

Sometimes, in my more heroic moods, I like to think of some half-hearted crook busting open the door, screaming revenge, firing misguided shots through my window, while I crouched behind my impenetrable desk, waited for the shooting to subside, and then arrested the poor, misguided sap. Of course, it would never happen. They'd never get past Mrs. Tummley. She worked for the library for fifty four years, before they made her retire. She works here through equal measures of generosity and spite. Generosity for my associates and I, McAven, Hartley, and Miller, private investigators. I'm Miller. Mrs. Tummley's spite is reserved for anyone who tells her when she should retire.

Suddenly, my door bursts open, and through it, comes a sight as surprising, though not as shocking, as a revenge-bent, crook-toothed monster with a gun. Through my door walks a beautiful blond, almost six feet, five feet of which is all legs. She has two of them. They're each about two and half feet. Six feet of legs. Basic math. I can still feel the radiant heat of Mrs. Tummley's spite like an aura around her. Mrs. Tummley does not extend her generosity to blonds.

“What'cha thinkin?” She asks, interrupting my repose. She's chewing gum.

“Narrating my life.” I respond. I have to work on making it less obvious I'm thinking.

“Always said you'd best stop watching those movies.” She replies. Typical female attitude. “How's it coming?”

“Fine. I was just thinking about how a beautiful blond walked through my door, almost six feet tall.”

“Why do I have to be a six foot blond? You don't like the way I look?” The petite fiery redhead says, who is now luxuriating in one of the sadly bestained chairs which flotsam my office.

“I'm translating.” I reply, wincing at the extra stain of rivet-driver grease she's added to one of the less stained charis. “You have to be that way for the audience to understand how pretty you are.”

“I told you, you need to stop it with those movies. Used to be, people only thought they had an audience when they were on stage.”

“Not true.” I reply. She has abandoned her chair after a particularly bad creak, and re-positioned on my desk. She's trying to distract me. Crafty vixen. I carry on. “Since when were you so old, to be speaking of “back in the day?” Besides, you know very well that Chaucer and Shakespeare both were extremely audience-conscious, off stage as well as on. Homer probably was too, and Plato, well, obviously.”

“I'm three months older than you.” she replies. “And they weren't wasting the precious little time of their girl's lunch break.”

“True enough.” I reply. “Were would you like to go today?”

“Can't.” She says. “Have to get back, and I ate on the way here.”

“As always.” I say, feigning disappointment. I would be disappointed, don't get me wrong – it just happens too often for any real feeling. She remains unconvinced of my disappointment, and in a movement of the utmost aggression, kisses me squarely upon the nose before braving the spite of Mrs. Tummley, swinging herself, lithe out of my office. As I snatch at a last few glimpses of her through my glass door, a young man, sadly, of obviously foreign origin pushes through the door, and heads directly for my office. It has the discouraging characteristic of being closest to the door, and most visible as one enters. On his way, his ankle meets the ankle of Mrs. Tummley. He trips, and falls, very nearly smacking his head against my glass door. Thankfully, Mrs. Tummley's aim is better than that, and he misses. Her ankle will be fine. I have known for some time she does not approve, indeed, she retains her deepest, most horrifying spite for those who underestimate the power of the secretary.

The man, however, seems distracted enough not to care. He scrambles to his feet, his smooth-soled shoes clacking on the hardwood floor. He dives into my office, like the last man onto the lifeboat, and takes a moment to buoy himself by the door, his eyes scrambling momentarily for me, returning twice to the middle of the room, where my desk, it seems, ought to be. He blinks twice, his eyelids seeming to make a clack similar to his shoes. He does not seem truly at rest until I stand.

“Come in.” I say. “Have a seat.” I glance outside. Mrs. Tummley is glaring at me, now, hoping against hope I will eject this poor, bedraggled, and well-heeled (if not well-soled) individual, putting him back at her mercy.

“Mister McAven?” He asks.

“No, Mr. Miller.” I reply. He looks disappointed.

People seem to eternally have the wrong idea about this. Why is it that a company of private investigators is always thought to have the most senior member in full view of the door? What other company commits such heresy and foolishness? Besides this, Mr. McAven isn’t actually the longest-standing member of the company, that would be Mr. Hartley. Mr. Hartley started Hartley, private investigations, in 1917. He made his fame investigating and providing sound legal advice for liquor merchants, especially the smaller ones, and for investigating the divorces of Hollywood movie stars. Mr. Hartley was one of the first private investigators in Los Angeles, and one of the most trusted. That our sweaty friend sitting across from me did not know Mr. Harley ran the business indicated that his fine shoes were not bought with movie-cash. Mr. Hartley added Mr. McAven in 1937, when he began to see the great assistance an experienced lawyer could add to the investigative process. Mr. McAven had been especially impressive in the Roman Strauss affair. He retired shortly after that sordid affair. It was only two years later Mr. Hartley and Mr. McAven added Mrs. Tummley, when McAven and Hartley was becoming a liferaft for the retired but not tired.

During this time, Mr. Hartley had never underestimated the assistance of a young pair of legs, or arms, and had provided part and full time gainful employment to any number of young men, and for that matter, young women, which was how I found my first employment here. You see, McAven and Hartley, at the time, hired a young lady to do secretarial work, a young lady who held in her lips and long, long legs the hope of most of the junior and senior classes at my high school, along with the daydreams of more than a few of the freshmen and sophomore types. My working for Hartley was a way of impressing her. In the fire and passion of my love, I ended up impressing him more, working a number of jobs, some of which have something to do with my unfortunate juvenile record, others with my unexpected acceptance at Stanford. I returned to work for him all three summers of my college education, giving me the opportunity to regale the young and influential of Stanford my very own Dashiell Hammett stories, ever so slightly, well, translated. When I graduated, my graduation present from the one who could only be described as a secondary father figure was the offer of a full partnership, and the opportunity, should I so choose, to hire my very own young lackeys to do the heavy lifting. Mr. Hartley has taken the addition of another partner to mean that he can begin his own retirement, if only partially, though the advent of the war has attracted him again to our offices. He has been fascinated, as have we all by the special problems in investigation provided by the essentially gypsy class of military men, and the tight self-protecting organization of the military. Most of our business now comes from a variety of night-club owners and businessmen seeking various reparations for damages done by visiting military men, who seem to do as good a job trashing Los Angeles as they have ever done to the pacific islands.

Which brings us back to our poor sweating friend here. Interesting, he sits crooked. That, and his age, explain his being here rather than on some Asian island. Excuse the long description, I know it’s out of character, it probably won’t become important later, but it’s my life, I find it interesting, and I’m not old enough yet to be terse and cynical.

“May I see Mister Hartley?” he asks. His accent is of garden-variety school-taught. Not indigenous. Interesting.

“It’s possible, but it would require pleading with Misses Tummley.”

“Miss Tummley?”

I nod towards the reception area. Our friend turns several shades of pale, interesting to only but the most jaded of anthropologists. “Don’t worry.” I assure him, “I can help.”

I see his face recover, the white grimace easing into a tan dour. I know it’s my charm and respectability that help. I try to remind myself that charm and respectability don’t mean squat with a bullet between your ears and a drunk tax accountant – or wife – standing over your body, screaming about tariff law. More horrifyingly, charm doesn’t matter when faced by an IRS agent. It is a long-standing law of the universe that no one can charm an IRS agent. That is the whole basis of American government, and the reason they are the most feared men in the world.

“But.” I say, dramatically, “I would have to know how first. And a name might help as well.”

He stutters for a moment, then manages “John Smith.”

“Very well, Mr. Smith.” I say, giving no indication of incredulity, except the absence of any raised eyebrow. “How can I be of service?”

He ponders for a moment. Sits back. Sighs. Ponders. Lights a cigarette. Shakes it. Draws. I put my feet on the desk.

“You can…”

“Yes?”

“It would be of great help, if you – if Mister Hartley – could meet me, and a friend, at the end of Apple street.”

“He’ll want more details before he accepts an invitation.”

“A matter of national security.”

“What sort of matter?”

“Of some delicacy.”

“Matters of national security, in my experience, are rarely matters for delicacy.” What the hell do I know? I’ve never been involved in a matter of national security in my life, unless you count the governor’s affair, and that’s a different matter.

“I don’t think you are in any position to comment.”

“Well done. You called my bluff.” Best to just own up to it. “I still insist upon knowing.”

“My wife has several times gone to bed with a certain Admiral.” Hardly a matter of national security. But typical of a jealous husband. “Not that I mind, you understand. I can trust you to be discreet?”

“Of course.”

“And this Admiral, he has disclosed certain secrets.” Could this be on the level? “I am concerned such activities may continue, and may threaten the fiber of this nation. Loose lips, and all that, you understand.”

“Very much so. What would you like us to do about it?”

“You know the Navy.”

“Yes.”

“Then you know their, say, penchant for protecting their own?”

“All too well.”

“How much stronger do you think it would be, with an Admiral in the docket?”

“Yes.”

“Yes indeed. I must go now. Cannot be late back to work. Sir, I trust this message to you, I trust you to get it to Mister Hartley. You understand the necessity of his involvement.”

“I do indeed.”

“Very well. I bid you good day.”

We shook hands. Very small hands he had. He managed a smile, and I once again felt the soothing glow of Mrs. Tummley’s spite as he exited the office. I took a minute to review the facts in my head, then exited my office as well. Mrs. Tummley’s glow combined in both spite and generous patronship. Spite for my friendliness to intruders, patronship for the obvious reasons.

“Misses Tummley, my favorite woman above thirty.”

“You have a lot of favorites under thirty.”

“True, but none so dependable and knowledgeable as yourself. Is the boss in?”

“He hates being called that.”

“I’m not calling him that. Not to his face at least. Is he in?”

“He is. What’s going on?”

“A matter of national security.”

“Ten years, and I still don’t learn never to ask.”

“You never learn, that’s what I like about you.”